An Open Letter to the Students of Vermont Law

Dear Hippies:

I’ve decided to come out of hiding to share with you the most important YouTube video EVER!!1!!1!!one!

This video will unite Democrat and Republican, Muslim and Jew, Team Edward and Team Jacob; it graphically displays the pinnacle of the human spirit, it reduced me to tears, it makes all previous attempts at filmmaking obsolete. Yes, even Avatar (especially Avatar…dirty blue hippies.)

The most important YouTube video EVER!!1!!1!!one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJ5rErtiJoQ

Wow!

Now that I’ve shared that, I guess I should give you an update on what I’m up to. I’m still unemployed (big shocker, I know), but I don’t blame VLS or the Career Services office for my predicament…nor do I blame the economy, actually. I look at the fact that I once tried to make it through my Income Taxation class without opening the Tax Code (I finally had to break it out of the cellophane for the final…I failed again), that instead of doing any sort of co-curricular activities in law school I decided that my time was better spent playing semi-pro football, and that my resume is essentially a 7 page diatribe against the Federal Government as probably the proximate causes for my continued unemployment.

Now I spend most of my days painting my dog, Dog. (I named him after my favorite TV reality show bounty hunter.) I originally tried to teach him how to play Scrabble, but he would mostly just eat the tiles and bark at me angrily. The closest thing to a word he ever made was “UDEQ,” and I don’t think it’s my place to tell dogs that their language has no identifiable syntax or coherent grammar structure. (I do, however, think that someone could make a mint by publishing as “Strunk & White’s” for dogs.) So, we moved to painting.

When I do paint my dog, I like to use oil paints, because I think they really accentuate the shininess of his coat…also, latex get matted in his fur.

So…how about this big kerfuffle over health care? I didn’t pay much attention to the whole debate because I already receive free, government provided, single-payer health care from the Veterans Administration. When I learned, however, that my notional future tax dollars could go to pay for health care for people to poor and lazy to get their own health care, I became mildly enraged and yelled at MSNBC on my TV for about an hour. Then I turned another TV in the room to Fox News so they could yell at MSNBC for me.

If these people need health care so bad, why don’t they just do what I did? Join the Marines, and become seriously enough injured that the government agrees to provide lifelong disability payments and health care. How hard is that?

You know one group of people you never see in the military? People with the gay. What an unpatriotic and lazy interest group that is. In all my years I’ve never met anybody who was in the military AND openly gay. You’d figure people with the gay would LOVE the military, since it’s full of young men who work out a lot and don’t like to wear shirts.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=33&id=225000035&l=f55e1c157e

One thing about getting my health care from the VA that kind of stinks is that they don’t exactly have the best doctors over there. For example, a few months ago, the TV told me that I may have a “going” problem. So, I go in to see who I thought was the crotch doctor over at the VA and tell him that TV told me that I may have a “going” problem, and it could be caused by something called a “Prostate.” So get this: he tells me to take down my drawers so he can look in my butt! I tell him, “I'm not a lady, pal, and I don't pee outta my butt!” Well, I don’t have to tell you that I got out of there as quickly as possible!

I eventually figured out that I could get the “going” pills TV told me I needed off of the internet from Canada or Craigslist, wherever those places are. When I got the pills, the enclosed pamphlet said that the product had not been tested on, get this: “People with a Herpes viral infection OF THE EYE!” First off…I thought Herpes was a disease that only sailors got from your sister. Second, I think these people are doing something terribly wrong when they try to do sex. Everybody knows that the Bible says that there only two ways you can do sex: 1) man on top and 2) man alone in his workshop with the women’s underwear section of the J.C. Penney Catalog. This is why we need to teach “Abstinence Only” in our schools, because everybody is doing it wrong!

When I was on the Craigslist looking for my crotch pills I noticed that they had a “Personals” section. This is a great idea. What better place to find my future ex-wife than a website where you can exchange sexual favors for living room furniture? (By the way…I need a new recliner, and, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m unemployed…so…um…think about it, okay?)

The reason I originally adopted Dog from the side of the road was because I thought I could use him to meet chicks. But for some reason the fairer sex isn’t all that attracted to a Pit Bull-Bloodhound-Weiner Dog-Cerebus mix with globs of Dutch Boy Eggshell White stuck in his fur. (Dog is the product of many, many generations of random, unplanned dog sex.) The only thing I could think of that would attract chicks better than a dog would be a baby…but you need a chick to make a baby. What a Catch-22.

Did all you Christian-Americans out there enjoy the Easter Holiday? I don’t celebrate the Jesus-centric holidays. It’s not because I’m Jewish-American or Muslim-American, or even Atheist-American, it’s because I can’t stand Jesus because he was a dirty hippie! Think about it…he and his friends wandered around the desert telling people about “peace” and “love” and other hippie pipe dreams. Jesus would probably fit in at Vermont Law School…I mean he already has the same “look” as half the VLS Ultimate Frisbee team.

Jesus told people that they had to give their riches to the poor (Mark). That’s some Obama-level communism! Jesus also rode into Jerusalem atop a donkey (Mark). The donkey is a manner of conveyance, as compared to a horse, that sacrifices style and speed for the ability to carry greater loads and better performance on rough terrain. If the donkey isn’t the Subaru of the First Century A.D., I’ll eat my hat.

Jesus disrupted the money-changers business at the Temple during Passover to protest the commercialization of the holiday (Mark). Hey Jesus, how about you quit being a sanctimonious jerk! Those money-changers were too big to fail!!! Also, even with all that walking around in the desert trying to convince people to smoke pot and listen to Phish, he only washes his feet one time in the whole book! (Mark) Jesus was also the worst type of hippie…he was a trust fund hippie! After he gets in trouble, Mr. Give-Away-Your-Belongings is all “Daddy, why won’t you help me!?!” (Mark)

I wish there would have been a Glenn Beck alive back then to keep this dirty hippie’s ideas from spreading to the rest of the world.

Man…now I’ve got my blood in a boil about dirty hippies. I’m going to have to make some dinner to get my mind off of it. I’ll make something that incorporates my two favorite flavors: fried and chocolate (but not fried chocolate, because that’s just stupid).

I hope you burn in hippie hell…which I imagine to be parking lot full of Hummers outside a Wal-Mart that doesn’t have an organic food department.



*As always, these views do not represent Vermont Law School, its faculty, staff, students, trustees, donors, or "Posse." The truth of the matter is that these views do not represent those of any rational, sane human being. So, in essence, these views/opinions/rants/calls to action are my own.