Ethan Allen's Intestate Heirs

An Open Letter to the Students of Vermont Law

2010-04-05T21:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Hippies:

I’ve decided to come out of hiding to share with you the most important YouTube video EVER!!1!!1!!one!

This video will unite Democrat and Republican, Muslim and Jew, Team Edward and Team Jacob; it graphically displays the pinnacle of the human spirit, it reduced me to tears, it makes all previous attempts at filmmaking obsolete. Yes, even Avatar (especially Avatar…dirty blue hippies.)

The most important YouTube video EVER!!1!!1!!one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJ5rErtiJoQ

Wow!

Now that I’ve shared that, I guess I should give you an update on what I’m up to. I’m still unemployed (big shocker, I know), but I don’t blame VLS or the Career Services office for my predicament…nor do I blame the economy, actually. I look at the fact that I once tried to make it through my Income Taxation class without opening the Tax Code (I finally had to break it out of the cellophane for the final…I failed again), that instead of doing any sort of co-curricular activities in law school I decided that my time was better spent playing semi-pro football, and that my resume is essentially a 7 page diatribe against the Federal Government as probably the proximate causes for my continued unemployment.

Now I spend most of my days painting my dog, Dog. (I named him after my favorite TV reality show bounty hunter.) I originally tried to teach him how to play Scrabble, but he would mostly just eat the tiles and bark at me angrily. The closest thing to a word he ever made was “UDEQ,” and I don’t think it’s my place to tell dogs that their language has no identifiable syntax or coherent grammar structure. (I do, however, think that someone could make a mint by publishing as “Strunk & White’s” for dogs.) So, we moved to painting.

When I do paint my dog, I like to use oil paints, because I think they really accentuate the shininess of his coat…also, latex get matted in his fur.

So…how about this big kerfuffle over health care? I didn’t pay much attention to the whole debate because I already receive free, government provided, single-payer health care from the Veterans Administration. When I learned, however, that my notional future tax dollars could go to pay for health care for people to poor and lazy to get their own health care, I became mildly enraged and yelled at MSNBC on my TV for about an hour. Then I turned another TV in the room to Fox News so they could yell at MSNBC for me.

If these people need health care so bad, why don’t they just do what I did? Join the Marines, and become seriously enough injured that the government agrees to provide lifelong disability payments and health care. How hard is that?

You know one group of people you never see in the military? People with the gay. What an unpatriotic and lazy interest group that is. In all my years I’ve never met anybody who was in the military AND openly gay. You’d figure people with the gay would LOVE the military, since it’s full of young men who work out a lot and don’t like to wear shirts.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=33&id=225000035&l=f55e1c157e

One thing about getting my health care from the VA that kind of stinks is that they don’t exactly have the best doctors over there. For example, a few months ago, the TV told me that I may have a “going” problem. So, I go in to see who I thought was the crotch doctor over at the VA and tell him that TV told me that I may have a “going” problem, and it could be caused by something called a “Prostate.” So get this: he tells me to take down my drawers so he can look in my butt! I tell him, “I'm not a lady, pal, and I don't pee outta my butt!” Well, I don’t have to tell you that I got out of there as quickly as possible!

I eventually figured out that I could get the “going” pills TV told me I needed off of the internet from Canada or Craigslist, wherever those places are. When I got the pills, the enclosed pamphlet said that the product had not been tested on, get this: “People with a Herpes viral infection OF THE EYE!” First off…I thought Herpes was a disease that only sailors got from your sister. Second, I think these people are doing something terribly wrong when they try to do sex. Everybody knows that the Bible says that there only two ways you can do sex: 1) man on top and 2) man alone in his workshop with the women’s underwear section of the J.C. Penney Catalog. This is why we need to teach “Abstinence Only” in our schools, because everybody is doing it wrong!

When I was on the Craigslist looking for my crotch pills I noticed that they had a “Personals” section. This is a great idea. What better place to find my future ex-wife than a website where you can exchange sexual favors for living room furniture? (By the way…I need a new recliner, and, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m unemployed…so…um…think about it, okay?)

The reason I originally adopted Dog from the side of the road was because I thought I could use him to meet chicks. But for some reason the fairer sex isn’t all that attracted to a Pit Bull-Bloodhound-Weiner Dog-Cerebus mix with globs of Dutch Boy Eggshell White stuck in his fur. (Dog is the product of many, many generations of random, unplanned dog sex.) The only thing I could think of that would attract chicks better than a dog would be a baby…but you need a chick to make a baby. What a Catch-22.

Did all you Christian-Americans out there enjoy the Easter Holiday? I don’t celebrate the Jesus-centric holidays. It’s not because I’m Jewish-American or Muslim-American, or even Atheist-American, it’s because I can’t stand Jesus because he was a dirty hippie! Think about it…he and his friends wandered around the desert telling people about “peace” and “love” and other hippie pipe dreams. Jesus would probably fit in at Vermont Law School…I mean he already has the same “look” as half the VLS Ultimate Frisbee team.

Jesus told people that they had to give their riches to the poor (Mark). That’s some Obama-level communism! Jesus also rode into Jerusalem atop a donkey (Mark). The donkey is a manner of conveyance, as compared to a horse, that sacrifices style and speed for the ability to carry greater loads and better performance on rough terrain. If the donkey isn’t the Subaru of the First Century A.D., I’ll eat my hat.

Jesus disrupted the money-changers business at the Temple during Passover to protest the commercialization of the holiday (Mark). Hey Jesus, how about you quit being a sanctimonious jerk! Those money-changers were too big to fail!!! Also, even with all that walking around in the desert trying to convince people to smoke pot and listen to Phish, he only washes his feet one time in the whole book! (Mark) Jesus was also the worst type of hippie…he was a trust fund hippie! After he gets in trouble, Mr. Give-Away-Your-Belongings is all “Daddy, why won’t you help me!?!” (Mark)

I wish there would have been a Glenn Beck alive back then to keep this dirty hippie’s ideas from spreading to the rest of the world.

Man…now I’ve got my blood in a boil about dirty hippies. I’m going to have to make some dinner to get my mind off of it. I’ll make something that incorporates my two favorite flavors: fried and chocolate (but not fried chocolate, because that’s just stupid).

I hope you burn in hippie hell…which I imagine to be parking lot full of Hummers outside a Wal-Mart that doesn’t have an organic food department.

*As always, these views do not represent Vermont Law School, its faculty, staff, students, trustees, donors, or "Posse." The truth of the matter is that these views do not represent those of any rational, sane human being. So, in essence, these views/opinions/rants/calls to action are my own.

Pop Science and Autism

2009-06-17T20:26:00.004-04:00

It appears that intellectual problems that are prevalent in issues such as the environment and organic foods have found their way into the autism debate. Namely, people are taking rhetorical reasoning that is effective in the liberal arts and applying it to scientific principles. I’m a liberal artist myself (BA PoliSci, Law Degree), but I recognize that the deductive reasoning and statistical conjecture that is a valuable part of my discipline only takes you so far in the hard sciences. What you can infer is of no importance in the hard sciences, only what you can observe. In the liberal arts it is impossible to observe many conclusions (e.g. How will a new welfare law effect crime rates) so inferences have an increased significance. Science also has a way of proving logical inferences wrong. (The example I like to use is that rolling down the windows in you vehicle is actually less fuel efficient than using the horsepower-sucking air conditioner.) It’s an uphill battle, but science almost always wins out in the end, observable measurements have a way of doing that.

I have experience. I'm the last person that I know that accepted the face that global warming was being caused by carbon-belching human activity, but the observable evidence and the work of actual scientists (not Al Gore, natch) won me over.

Dr. Rangel, MD

NeuroLogica Blog

Jenny McCarthy Body Count

Time

Vote (NAME REDACTED) SBA President!!!

2009-04-01T12:58:00.002-04:00

I am writing to strongly recommend that you vote for (NAME REDACTED) to be SBA President.

I first met Brian when we were roadies for Guns N’ Roses during their now infamous 1989 “Give Us Your Money” tour. One night in Toronto, Brian and I were on “Groupie Wrangler” duty when we were summoned to the green room by Axl Rose. Axl had created a drug cocktail by blending together all of the hallucinogens he had access to backstage with Jack Daniels and a hint of carrot juice. Axl was not experiencing the effects he desired from the concoction and wanted Brian to sample the elixir, which Slash had dubbed “Chinese Democracy.” Brian diligently took 3 large gulps of Chinese Democracy and almost immediately began playing an 8-minute long composition using only mouth noises, air guitar, and air piano. And that is where “November Rain” came from.

After completing his masterpiece, Brian let out a frightful scream and sprinted out the door of the green room, past Duff McKagan, who was standing at the door inexplicably holding a drumstick in one hand and a Twizzler’s licorice whip in the other. He was also nude from the waist down and wearing a tin foil hat (Duff McKagan, not Brian).

In the green room, assorted groupies, Guns N’ Roses, and I stood there quietly for about 12 minutes trying to process what we had just saw. Brian then appeared in the doorway, yelped something semi-incoherently about the Thetans coming for us, stole Duff McKagan’s tin foil hat, and disappeared as suddenly as he appeared.

We didn’t reunite with Brian until the European leg of our tour, in West Berlin. By this time he had converted to Scientology and somehow married into the Namibian Royal Family. We became separated from the rest of the tour during the Great Sauerkraut Riots of 1983. Brian had started the riots by refusing to use the word “sauerkraut,” referring to the food item as only “freedom cabbage.” Fearful for our lives and hunted by the East German secret police, we fled to his bachelor pad in Namibia.

Brian was the Royal Family darling of the Namibian Tabloids. In Namibia he was called “Huntu Mari Wimbbi Arranga,” which, of course, in the local Oshiwambo dialect means “Goofy White Dude.”

After about of week of Rhinoceros Horn Powder and Sugar-Free Red Bull fueled orgies with the Namibian Royal Concubines, we decided to go on Safari. We chartered a jeep, hired a guide, and headed out to the Namibian Bushveld to hunt Rhinoceros (in order to harvest their horns and return to the concubines, of course.) Brian refused to hunt the beast with anything more than a potato gun, roman candles, and a Barack Obama commemorative letter opener.

Unfortunately, our adventure was cut short by the outbreak of the 1977 Namibian Civil War. Once again we were forced to flee.

We returned to America. During our processing at Ellis Island, my name was shortened from Richardamunditillo Ecklewamanishevitzey, and his name was lengthened from B-Mar. Alone, frightened, and broke on our new/old country, we were forced to share a lone sleeping bag and sleep in the nude…to…um…share warmth. It was then we decided to go to law school in Vermont, the Thetans would never find us there.

This is why you should vote for Brian for SBA President. Sure, he may be Namibian royalty, a fearless hunter of rhinoceroses…rhinoceri…rhinoceroi…RHINOS, a sauerkraut instigator, and all-around hero to the common man, but to me he’ll always be that guy that would round up skanks and drink whatever Axl Rose told him to.

DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

Fun With Stereotypes!!!

2008-11-14T17:56:00.000-05:00

So, there's been a stink over a recent casting call memo that was sent out about a potential ESPN college basketball ad campaign. Basically, they were searching for particular individuals to represent some of the marquee teams ESPN covers. The letter is below, (and it's awesome) and I was thinking that we could have some fun filling in the casting call for our alma mater/favorite college basketball team, or correct ESPN's interpretation of us. I'll Start:

[ IOWA ]

MALE, blonde hair blue eyed WHITE guy who is much bigger than all the other call center employees due to a life of eating growth hormone and antibiotic infused pork. Tries really hard at call centering, but just has no talent and is very poor at it. Always eating. Wears a Carhart jacket.

See? Fun? The original casting call is below.

Director: Matt Aselton
Casting Director: ERICA PALGON
Interview: Thurs 11/13 and Fri 11/14, Mon 11/17
Fitting: 11/21
Shoot: 11/24, 25
Location: New York

SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY LIZ LEWIS CASTING PARTNERS

EVERYONE MUST BE STRONG WITH COMEDY/IMPROV. PLEASE WRITE ANY ADDITIONAL NOTES, IN THE NOTES PAGE, ABOUT ACTOR'S COMEDIC/IMPROV EXPERIENCE/TRAINING, THAT WOULD BE HELPFUL IN LOOKING THROUGH SUBMISSIONS

All roles are ages 18-22 yrs old. WITH THE EXCEPTION of PERDUE.

The concept: The spots take place in the ESPN College Basketball Call Center (CBBCC). All of these guys are there representing their schools, calling people on the phone to get them to watch more College Basketball. Basically they are selling college basketball.

SEEKING:

[ DUKE UNIVERSITY ]

MALE. Our guy for Duke UNIVERSITY is a smart, with it, young WHITE male. He's handsome. He's from money. He is, in short, the kind of guy, everyone can't stand. He is the kind of guy everyone wants to be.

[ NORTH CAROLINA ]

FEMALE. She's a Southern bell. She is the counterpoint to Duke. Being young and pretty everyone wants to be around her. She's charming. Not a dingbat, she's sharp.

[ TEXAS ]

MALE. Straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, Texas is a young man's man. He is the kind of guy that could field dress a deer and then take you to the debutante ball in 20. Polite, farm boy. He's good at everything. Except call centering.

[ KANSAS ]

MALE. Kansas is straight off the farm. However, he takes great pains to point out that Kansas is very cosmopolitan, as witnessed by their record, their burgeoning tech industry, and their hybrid corns (bonus: modified by fish genes!)

[ CONNECTICUT ]

MALE. Connecticut is all things Connecticut. He's a little bit older. He's a little bit thicker around the waist. He's WHITE. He's also competitive. Very. Waspy, blue blood.

[ OKLAHOMA ]

MALE. Oklahoma is awesome and he thinks everything is awesome. He's very enthusiastic about all things call center and all things life and he wants to share this contagious enthusiasm with everyone he meets. Wide-eyed, as naive as they come.

[ LOUISVILLE ]

MALE. Louisville is very true to place. He's short. He's HISPANIC. And one day he hopes to carry on in proud Louisville tradition and race thoroughbreds.

[ TENNESSEE ]

FEMALE. Tennessee is orange crazy. The ice tray in her orange fridge, that freezes the water she dyes orange, is that orange. The party girl cowboy hat she wears is a white and orange zebra print. The tattoo on her lower back is Pantone 3 for that Tennessee orange. The only thing that's not orange is her dog, which is the mascot Smokey. Did we mention she's crazy? A party girl who would hang out at the cowgirl hall of fame.

[ PURDUE ]

MALE. Child prodigy. 14-year-old. Or open to an 18-year-old who looks 14. Aeronautical engineering. Wiz kid. Think McLovin from Superbad.

[ VILLANOVA ]

MALE. Villanova is the poor man's Duke — he's not quite as handsome, he's not quite as rich, he's not quite as dapper. After 2 or 3 beers though, who cares? As he's friendly enough.

[ NOTRE DAME ]

MALE He's an ASIAN kid who is in to all things Notre Dame, ridiculously so. Oh, and he's always fighting. Every time we encounter him he always has some words or another, be it the faint traces of a black eye, or a scab or whatever. He epitomizes the fightin' Irish.

[ PITTSBURGH ]

FEMALE. Pittsburgh is a tomboy. She obviously grew up in the neighborhood and isn't going to take any guff from anyone and she'll wallop you in the eye with a crowbar if you suggest different. So don't. Think Tina Fey type.

[ SYRACUSE ]

MALE. Jewish kid from Long Island that is loving the college experience. It has opened up a world he never knew existed. All you can eat buffets in the cafeteria — who knew? To Syracuse, everything is a party.

[ GEORGETOWN ]

FEMALE. Georgetown, a 4.36 GPA who's lived in 9 world-class cities, but all the time in her sister's shadow (her GPA is 4.37). She's sort of the female Duke, except most people like her. Think Reese Witherspoon.

[ GONZAGA ]

MALE. No one knows what Gonzaga looks like because no one knows where to find him. He is still stuck in the grunge look, reckless, in from the wild. Flannel look. Chews tobacco. Guy that would go to school in the Pacific Northwest.

[ MARQUETTE ]

FEMALE. Marquette, on a scale of 1-10, she's a six. A B-, C in every category you can define a person by. Her defining characteristic is you don't really remember her. You're not breaking your arm to get to her, but you're not chewing it off to get away. She does have a winning personality though. Midwest, sweet girl.

[ MICHIGAN STATE ]

MALE. Blue collar to the core. Michigan State is one tough kid that grew up by putting a few down. That's just Michigan State's way. Big beefy kid.

[ MEMPHIS ]

MALE. What can we say about Memphis? He's a southern BLACK kid, really culinary and polite. He's artistic, and draws comic books really well.

[ MARYLAND ]

MALE. He plays lacrosse. A dude. Low key. Mid Atlantic, wears baseball hats and chinos.

[ OHIO STATE ]

MALE. He looks like Jim Tressle (head coach of Ohio State football) in the dress code. Red sweater vest. Always. Doesn't care for swearing either — of course we never really test this out as they are commercial advertisements and no one swears in them, but it's true nevertheless. A Republican.

[ ILLINOIS ]

MALE. African-American. Young Obama. Think Toofer-the straight-laced, Harvard grad writer from 30 Rock (Keith Powell)

[ OKLAHOMA STATE ]

FEMALE. She's a fun loving girl, Oklahoma born and bred. Decided not to travel out of State so she should be closer to home. She's a flirt. She's a hot chick.

[ TEXAS A&M ]

MALE. True to the region, Texas A&M is one tough dude. He's not big physically, but he is imposing. He's an ROTC kid and his 100-yard stare lets you know it.

[ BAYLOR ]

MALE & FEMALE. Baylor is not one people but two. It's a couple. In fact, we're not even sure which one goes to Baylor. We only know they are madly in love. Their world is each other, which is really sweet or really sickening, depending. Think Sheri Oteri and Will Farrell as the cheerleaders.

READ MORE: ESPN

Angering People

2008-10-15T16:40:00.001-04:00

The Red Sox are doomed: Burn, Baby, Burn

Donovan McNabb is overrated: Black people play quarterback like this; white people play quarterback like that

Michigan is the armpit of America: Michigan

Wisconsin is not good at football: Wisconsin vs. Penn State

Phish SUX: Stupid hippies

Steelers fans are unattractive: Fat Yinzer

I bet this guy graduated from Ohio State: Brilliance
(video at: YouTube)

Chico State: Bad school, good times

Brian Krzyzewski for '10 Student Trustee

2008-04-19T10:10:00.003-04:00

Vote Brian Krzyzewski Class of ’10 Student Trustee.

I am endorsing Brian Krzyzewski for Student Trustee because he is my roommate and that is awesome.

Now don’t hold the fact that Brian Krzyzewski is my roommate against him, because sometimes, when we are sitting in the living room watching TV, he just sits there and stares at me, with eyes full of contempt and hatred. I can tell he finds me to be one of the most heinous persons on the face of the Earth, and that, my internet friends, is a sign of good taste.

Sometimes, late at night, when I’m standing over Brian Krzyzewski’s bed, watching him sleep, I track the gentle rise an fall of his chest as he breathes and think to myself, “that is the rhythmic breathing pattern of a true leader.” Standing there in the dark of the night, I imagine his angelic blue eyes and say in a hushed tone, “that is the icy blue stare of a man I’d like to represent me at high level Vermont Law School meetings.”

Thinking of standing over Brian Krzyzewski while he sleeps reminds me of a story from my childhood. There was a drug store located about two miles from my house, in a town center. On weekends, I biked all the way to the area, ostensibly to rent a Nintendo game at the video store. But, once I stole my first issue of Playboy (tucked into my windbreaker), I stole a new Playboy every month. And I can recite those older Playmates practically in chronological order: Kerri Kendall, Cheryl Bachman, Carrie Jean Yazel, etc. The only problem with stealing those Playboys was that I had to bike the two miles all the way home in order to get to my room and masturbate in a sweaty furor. I was fat, so it took a while. Once, I just pulled over the side of the road and did it in the woods. I may have tried to have sex with a tree, but I'm not ready to admit that.

Brian Krzyzewski once told me that he desired to one day have a profession where he could be called “Big Daddy.” Mob Boss, Football Coach, Boarding School Director, Brothel Proprietor, any of these professions would work. Well, I think that “Big Daddy Brian Krzyzewski” sounds like a fine moniker for a student trustee.

Also, he hates Bacardi Limon.

VOTE BIG DADDY STUDENT TRUSTEE!!!

Love always;

Rob Riggle Knows How I Feel

2008-03-23T18:59:00.001-04:00

In Which I Complain About Email

2008-03-05T20:12:00.001-05:00

There was a lot of talk of “an expected level of professionalism” at tonight’s SBA candidates’ forum, and that brought my blood to a boil, because I believe “expected level of professionalism” to be a code for an unconscionable restriction of student speech, in the form of email policies and harassment policies, on VLS’ campus.

For starters, I’d like to inform everyone that much of my examples are borrowed from “Fire’s Guide to Free Speech on Campus.” A full copy of which can be downloaded for free at: http://www.thefire.org/index.php/article/5063.html. It will be cited as “Guide.”

1. Freedom of Speech and the private campus.

Our speech at VLS is not protected by the Constitution; our speech is protected by principles of contract law buttressed by principles of free speech found in First Amendment litigation. Courts look to two sources for the agreements that contractually bind a student and an educational institution; Student Handbooks and Admission Materials. The theory is that if a student is not informed of potential limits on speech in recruiting materials, restricting that student’s speech once they enroll at the institution constitutes fraud. Student Handbooks are looked at to determine if there is actual policy in place to restrict speech.

The VLS Student Handbook, at page 90, in the email policy contains this amazing line: “While Vermont Law School rejects any form of censorship, behavior that constitutes misconduct may result in sanctions.” The School, in the space of 17 letters and one comma, directly contradicts itself. I ask you, is not sanctioning behavior that takes place via a medium of communication (i.e. email) the definition of censorship? In fact this policy constitutes the most despicable of all censorship, prior restraint, because, “as long as the policy exists, the threat of enforcement remains real and can influence how people speak and act.” (Guide 137) Also, are not the constant reminders that our emails may become public on our bar applications another threat that goes against our interest in freely speaking our minds?”

2. Email as a professional tool

The main argument I get from my detractors is that the email is a professional tool, and a level of professionalism should be enforced. I, surprisingly, agree completely with this concept. Because I agree with this concept, I support the removal of item #11 of the authorized uses for the email system found on page 90 of the handbook: “Participation in topical forum.” The administration cannot, having established that the school “rejects censorship in any form,” give us a medium to participate in discussion, yet simultaneously establish limits on HOW we are allowed to participate. That is against all for which a decent, liberal society stands.

3. The quest for truth or the quest for an uneasy, ignorant calm?

Our institution’s definition of Harassment is found on page 74 of the handbook.

“Unlawful harassment may include, but is not limited to, the following actions if, as isolated acts or as part of a pattern, they have the prohibited purpose or effect on employment or educational performance or environment: jokes, derogatory expressions, or comments; the display of graphics, cartoons, or objects; sending or forwarding electronic mail messages; and other conduct offensive to a reasonable person possessing a particular protected characteristic”

While the intention of this policy is well-meaning, it represents an incredibly vague and impermissible proscription of speech. Sometimes, important things must be said that are offensive to a reasonable person of any characteristic. If we curb our ability to speak on issues because we may offend someone, we destroy our ability to examine the darkest parts of our society, where often the roots of our social ills can be found.

“The Guide” explains much better than I can (at pg 135.)

“If prejudice, bigotry, or ignorance exists, it is far better to know how people actually think, to discuss such things, and to reply appropriately than to force such things underground, where they only fester and worsen. If you are hated by someone, it is better (and safer) to know who hates you and why. It is counterproductive to force educable human beings to disguise their true beliefs and feelings. It is counterproductive to create a climate in which students are afraid to speak frankly and freely with each other. [Students should] challenge the administration on the university’s motivation for passing these speech codes. Do such restrictions of liberty serve the educational development of students and the search for truth, or do they merely give administrators the appearance of peace and quiet at the expense of real progress and candor?”

I contend VLS has traded its quest for truth for a quest for social harmony to be achieved at all costs.

4. Satire, Parody, and Discussion

My preferred mode of sparking debate and angering the populace is satire and parody. Why, you ask? Because it is much more efficient, great effect can be made with two sentences or a crude drawing, and I don’t like to type. Satire and parody are target number one of regulations that seek to curb “unseemly” debate. Again, I’ll let “The Guide” make a point that I am too lazy to make (at pg. 99):

“PARODY AND SATIRE: INCREASINGLY UNDER ATTACK
Parody and satire are facing difficult times at American universities, where many administrators have either lost their sense of humor or substituted a stifling and misguided paternalism that makes many forms of humor impossible. This is tragic, because parody—a crucial form of dissent and social criticism—is an invaluable component of life in a free society. Parody, as free speech, enjoys sweeping constitutional protections. Again, students are well advised to read the Supreme Court’s unanimous decision in the case of Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, 485 U.S. 46 (1987), and to be prepared to use it defensively if accused by a campus administration of being guilty of creating a “hostile educational environment” by means of a mean-spirited, slashing parody seemingly intended to inflict emotional distress on its target. As the Supreme Court has noted, forms of speech such as biting parody and spiteful political cartoons are time-honored ways of communicating disapproval. Indeed, parody and satire succeed in their mission only when they inflict distress.”

So, if you are against parody and satire, then you would agree with Jerry Falwell in the above cited case. Censorship makes strange bedfellows, don’t you think?

And so ends my rant on free speech at VLS, feel free to contact me, and please, be as vulgar and hateful as you wish, I’m a big boy (so, seriously, I’m fat) and I can take it.

Civil Rights & Due Process Violations of Michael A. Mette Petition

2008-03-04T21:40:00.000-05:00

Civil Rights & Due Process Violations of Michael A. Mette Petition

Pinging Whales

2008-02-18T12:16:00.002-05:00

[the situation: The House passed a resolution congratulating the N.Y. Giants on winning the Super Bowl. A fellow student sent out and email to the school informing us of the House Resolution. He received an email in response that asked why he would waste people's time with such an email. This is my response...]

I think the question may be "why would the U.S. House of Representatives waste time with this."

But that is beside the point. The fact of the matter is that there are several people at this school who are Giants fans who may be interested to know that the U.S. House of Representatives formally recognized their teams' ascension to the pinnacle of their profession. Add to those Giants fans people who are football fans in general, and you have a small group of people that are very interested in the information Mr. Naumiec and Mr. Davis had to disseminate.

Are these people a small portion of VLS students? Yes. But is there a minimum percentage of people that need to be interested in information in order for it to be transmitted? 30%, 25%? If we could get these hard numbers in the next email policy, that would be great, those of us who are in the minority would like to know when it is proper to share our interests with the community as a whole.

Maybe it is a level of importance that is required in order for news to be deemed "everyone email worthy?" I humbly submit that the NFL is a billions of dollars a year industry, employing tens of thousands of people, and that the news in question was an act of Congress. I think that on both these counts the information presented is much more important than "free doughnuts in Chase."

For every email that gets sent out, there is going to be somebody that doesn't like it and/or doesn't care. Recently, an article was sent out concerning sonar activity of the U.S. Navy, specifically the tactic of "pinging," and it's effect on whales. Not only do I not care about whales, I find it hilarious that the U.S. Navy had been accidentally killing whales with their sonar. In fact, I think "whale pinging" should be a sport. (Although I did think of this idea myself, and I'd like to take credit for it, I find it hard to imagine a world where Dick Cheney has not already thought of this.) I didn't send the well-intentioned sender of information that was useless to me an email asking how intelligent, talented people could be wasting their time with whales while wholesale murder is happening on the streets of our nation's poorest neighborhoods. I scratched my head in wonder about how much some care about whales, and continued to use the internet as is was meant to be used; to find pornography.

Also, we need more parking.

(P.S. Seriously, what's the deal with whales?)

Here is the story

My Review of Nike D-Tack Demolition Lineman Gloves

2007-11-03T11:39:00.001-04:00

Originally submitted at The Sports Authority

Designed to offer essential protection during battle without slowing you down, these lightweight, flexible Nike® D-Tack Demolition Lineman gloves feature a textured leather palm that provides exceptional grip and durability. The contoured, segmented foam padding on the back ensures both protect...

Reccomended

By Scumdog from South Royalton, VT on 11/3/2007

Pros: Good Grip, Breathable, Excellent Protection, Comfortable

Best Uses: Defensive linemen, Game Day, Practice, Offencive linemen, Center

Describe Yourself: Semi-pro

I'm a center, with very small hands, and I wouldn't have been able to snap effectively without these gloves. The tackification wore off after about eight weeks, I'm ordering my second pair.

(legalese)

Don't Tase Me, Bro!!!

2007-09-19T22:24:00.000-04:00

quarterback preview

2007-09-18T21:29:00.000-04:00

Damn White People

2007-09-14T21:02:00.000-04:00

White Whine

Schools Need Help

2007-09-11T22:49:00.001-04:00

'Students First In Line' Program To Offer Job Training At Needy Schools

WTF!!!!!!!!

2007-09-10T08:41:00.001-04:00

Korean Baseball...it's FANtastic!!!

Can someone explain what is going on here?

Mike Vick: Dog Trainer

2007-08-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

Michael Vick's School For Disobedient Dogs

Entitlement

2007-08-19T21:12:00.000-04:00

This is usually a blog for silly YouTube finds, but this entry from Second City Cop hit a raw nerve on Scumdog. The current status of the welfare state is ruining this country. Crap.

(Second City Cop)

Egyptions...not exaclty progressive when it comes to sports.

2007-08-19T16:41:00.000-04:00

I wonder what they think of the WNBA

(Deadspin)

More on North Carolina Hand Written Lawsuit Prisoner...

2007-08-18T19:35:00.000-04:00

I think I have a new hero...

(Epic Carnival)

The Greatest Story Ever Told

2007-08-17T15:54:00.000-04:00

I know I shall share a bit from the best movie ever...

Courting the Idgit Vote

2007-08-16T17:26:00.001-04:00

Is it just me, or is THE ONION the only "news" source that is being honest to us about the political process...enjoy...

In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote

Who Needs Lawyers

2007-08-15T14:43:00.001-04:00

(Above the Law)

This would be a lot better of the complaintant wasn't obviously crazy.

I really need to stop with the acid...

2007-08-15T14:38:00.000-04:00

Could someone tell be if this is real, or in my head???

(With Leather)

WTF!!!!!!!! (a.k.a. the return of GodTube)

2007-08-15T10:53:00.000-04:00

Iowa Straw Poll

2007-08-15T10:47:00.000-04:00

You Are What You Wear

2007-08-11T13:42:00.000-04:00

(The Smoking Gun)

Also, you should probably be ready for your close-up.

(Home Run Derby)

Football is Coming Back

2007-08-08T13:05:00.000-04:00

Redskins' H-Back is Awesome!!! (With Leather)

David Carr is a good father (KSK)

What, Exactly is Sunday??? (Deadspin)

Lewis Black on Barry

2007-08-08T12:06:00.000-04:00

Turn Left!!!

2007-08-04T16:58:00.001-04:00

NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

The Shallow, Poorly Explained Science Proves It!!!

2007-06-24T14:15:00.000-04:00

Notice how he never explains "why" the world could not possily be old. The pattern can be broken down thusly. Step 1: Introduce impressively name scientific proposition. Step 2: Without eplaining said proposition, declare that a certain part of the universe does not conform to it. Step 3: Quckly move on to next topic before anyone has a chance to contemplate what was just said...

Makin' it Rain on Dem Hoes!!!

2007-06-24T13:38:00.000-04:00

YouTube Theatre/Facebook Finds Mash-Up

2007-06-24T10:12:00.000-04:00

Wash U Ass!(KSK)

No, really, Wash U Ass! (KSK)

This looks like a good coaching technique. Now how can I inroduce it to my 5 and under youth soccer team? (Deadspin)

Sesame Street teaches kids how to buy drugs.(YouTube)

The Red State Report (MySpace)

I'm not the only one who finds Sportscenter unwatchable. (YouTube)

A look inside Al-Quieda's recruiting technique. (YouTube)

Sammy Sosa reacts to his 600th dinger. (The Dugout)

WithLeather is Having the Best Day Ever!!!

2007-06-18T18:17:00.000-04:00

I'm so not gay, look at the hot chick I'm going to marry!!!

Crackhead Chunking

"Can I be your first baby daddy?"

The Hobolympics closing ceremony is not a glamorous affair

Bulletin: Pyramid Scheme Highly Successful in the South

French People are Assholes

PacMan Fever

Things May Have Gotten A Little Out of Control Last Night...

2007-06-17T16:42:00.001-04:00

Beer Pong is an interesting "sport." The individual house rules can be more infuriating than, say, Monopoly because drinking is involved. I think this may be the most appropriate way to handle a situation where two teams are playing by different rules.

Hitchin' a Ride

2007-06-11T18:12:00.000-04:00

My simple mind is unable to explain this properly. Enjoy

Masturbatory Fodder

2007-06-10T15:37:00.000-04:00

Alright, I feel kind of dirty for spending the last post speaking about Paris Hilton. Let us get back to a legit subject...hot women athletes!!!

Here is a good place to get us started on our next assignment, discovering the hotest female athlete on this here sphere we call Planet Earth...enjoy!

The Saga of Paris

2007-06-10T14:47:00.000-04:00

The genious that is What Would Tyler Durden Do? is all over the Paris goes to jail fiasco...some highlights

Turning to the Lord
My favorite part is how you can see her nipple through her dress whilst she lugs around the good book.

The booking document
5'8" 115lbs...that's hot.

An eerie foreshadowing
Who do you think is more diseased in the jail, the junkies and whores or Paris? (The latter Scumdog assumes is a bit of a junkie and whore.)

The cavity search
Now a LA County Deputy has been only where Matt Leinart, Brian Urlacher, a cadre of Greek Shipping heirs, the cast of The OC, and the Los Angeles Dodgers have been before.

The great escape
The drama begins.

An electronic ankle bracelet...on no!
The best part about that photo is how the ridiculous glasses draw attention to her poorly reconstructed nose.

House arrest
No matter how big the place is, it could be a living hell for a jet-setting heiress.

Identifying a reason for release
Isn't a suicidal Paris Hilton exactly what the world needs?

The plan erodes...
Uh oh, judge no likey.

You're damn right you're going to court
How did she get out of jail without a judge's orderin the first place?

In cuffs
Finally, video

Another theory
Nothing like a herpes innuendo to get my interest

Mom! It's not fair!
Now she's got to do the whole 45...tee hee

So, is the party cancelled?
Hospital time

Impropriety in Hollywood? Never
The Hilton family gave money, blah blah...

Don Cherry Would be Pleased...

2007-06-10T13:06:00.000-04:00

A blog with the greatest tag line ever brings us a story of a couple of NHL enforcers, who happen to be brothers...and Canadian...running a summer camp to teach kids how to hockey fight. All is right with the world in Regina, Saskatch...Sasquatch...Saskatasaka...Canada...

Enjoy the work of Barry Melrose Rocks.

Please Help Ethan Allen Save Hockey

2007-06-06T20:47:00.000-04:00

Don Cherry is one of Scumdog's favorite people on the planet.

(thanks to: With Leather)

Al Qaeda Angry at Slow Development...

2007-05-29T20:22:00.000-04:00

The Onion does it again.

Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays

(By the way, now that I know I can embed videos from The Onion, expect a lot of them. The Onion has always articulated what I want to say, but am not creative enough to imagine on my own, and that is what this blog is all about.)

Here Piggy Piggy Piggy...

2007-05-27T13:48:00.000-04:00

11-year old Alabama boy kills thousand pound feral pig. (ABC News)

How to Play Football

2007-05-23T23:43:00.000-04:00

Special thanks to EDSBS.

I Hate Hippies...

2007-05-19T20:59:00.000-04:00

and this is why.

What exactly is going on here?

Breakdancing...and Your Child

2007-05-17T20:51:00.000-04:00

Planet Unicorn...Hey =)

2007-05-15T22:51:00.000-04:00

Big Thanks to KSK for sharing this with the world. I will offer no comment...

The Legend of the Shocker

2007-05-13T15:01:00.000-04:00

What is the schocker, you say?
(Wikipedia)

How could this be used for evil, you say?
(Rotten.com)

So this could be slipped into a picture, that could eventually end up on a major news wire service, you say?
(EDSBS)

Wouldn't it be neat if they made a big, oversized one, like those foam fingers, you say?
(BigShocker.com)

You know, I think I could get my little brother to trick a professional athlete into doing this, you say?
(Deadspin)

Hey, isn't Whichita State...you know...
(Wichita State Athletics)

Ethan Allen YouTube Theatre: Special Mother's Day and Jesus Edition

2007-05-13T12:20:00.000-04:00

A cute Mother's Day Picture.

Even Black Mommies get cards!!!

Jesus' little brother is not as dedicated.

Spreading the Good Word(s).

And for no reason at all Light Sabers!!!

Anal-Lust

2007-05-13T11:03:00.000-04:00

This guy is back...this one actually pisses me off. I don't understand how can use the bible to spread hate. But here you go.

Below the vidoe is some interesting counterpoints to Crazy McReverend's tirade from religioustolerance.org.

	In ancient Jewish literature, such as the Ethics of the Fathers and the Talmud, there are many references to Sodom. The phrase "middat Sdom" was used. It may be translated as "the way the people of Sodom thought". It meant a lack of charity and hospitality towards others; ignoring the needs of the poor, etc. In the Middle East, a person's survival could depend upon the charity of strangers. To help strangers was a solemn religious duty of paramount importance. See Leviticus 19:33-34 and Matthew 25:35, 38 and 43.
	Isaiah 1; The entire first chapter is an utter condemnation of Judah. They are repeatedly compared with Sodom and Gomorrah in their evildoing and depravity. Throughout the chapter, the Prophet lists many sins of the people: rebelling against God, lacking in knowledge, deserting the Lord, idolatry, engaging in meaningless religious ritual, being unjust and oppressive to others, being insensitive to the needs of widows and orphans, committing murder, accepting bribes, etc. There is no reference to homosexuality or to any other sexual activities at all.
	Jeremiah 23:14:"...among the prophets of Jerusalem I have seen something horrible: They commit adultery and live a lie. They strengthen the hands of evildoers, so that no one turns from his wickedness. They are all like Sodom to me; the people of Jerusalem are like Gomorrah." Jeremiah compares the actions of the prophets with the adultery, lying and evil of the people of Sodom. Homosexual activity is not mentioned.
	Ezekeiel 16:49-50:"Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen." God states clearly that he destroyed Sodom's sins because of their pride, their excess of food while the poor and needy suffered; sexual activity is not even mentioned.
	Matthew 10:14-15: Jesus implied that the sin of the people of Sodom was to be inhospitable to strangers.
	Luke 10:7-16: This is parallel passage to the verses from Matthew.
	2 Peter 6-8: Peter mentions that God destroyed the adults and children of Sodom because the former were ungodly, unprincipled and lawless.

Your Tiny Bathing Suit Demeans Us All

2007-05-12T18:47:00.000-04:00

Your tiny bathing suit demeans us all.
(Homestarrunner.com)

It's coming...
(Gamespot)

I bet this guy gets a bunch of prank phone calls.
(EDSBS)

I once worked as an archivist in a museum, I wonder if I'm qulified to work here?
(The Simpsons Archive)

The Iron Sheik is doing his part to help U.S./Middle East relations.
(Deadspin)

Judging, always judging.
(ladies...)

Ethan Allen YouTube Theatre: Hockey Fights Pt. II: Electric Bugaloo

2007-05-11T16:05:00.000-04:00

Back by popular demand, Hockey Fights!!!

A very special thanks to Frog-Canuck (that's French-Canadian, for those of you who aren't as jingoistic as Scumdog) Andrew Clopman for the new vids.

Enjoy, you sick bastards!!!

The Knuckles Nilan riot of 1986, featuring Patrick Roy, Claude Lemieux, Brian Skrudland and Chris Chelios
(YouTube)

Odjick, Stock playoffs
(YouTube)

Chelios v. Hextall
(TouTube)

The great Odelein headbutt
(YouTube)

EAIH's Music Video of the Moment

2007-05-11T15:59:00.000-04:00

Helz yeah, It's all about the home state of this blog's patron saint!!! (That's Vermont, for all of us that went to public school.)

Hel 2 da naw cracka!!!

Puff, Puff, Pass Mothefucker

2007-05-11T15:54:00.000-04:00

Ricky Williams, Red Wings fans are high. The audio is a must listen on this one. (With Leather)(Audio)

If "The Onion" ran the Suprem Court. (The Onion) (The Onion) (The Onion)

(Special thanks to freind of the show, Chris Karr, for finding the "Onion" articles. He's not that bad, for being from Wisconsin.)

Black America May Have a Problem

2007-05-11T15:03:00.000-04:00

Anyone who thinks that race relations in America have advanced to a point where it is an isignificant issue has their head buried in the proverbial sand. Recently, however, there has been an increased movement in the African-American community that is deeply critical of...the African-American community.

WWMLKD? The Boodocks has and idea...(YouTube)
Jason Whitlock does not like black "leadership." (AOL)
Charles Barkley thinks Barack Obama is black enough. (Deadspin)
Do White Liberals care? Should they? (The Debate Link)

Jesus Sez: Know Your Role Broads!!!

2007-05-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

You know, the British accent makes him sound sophisticated...he's still crazy...but sophisticated sounding none the less.

(I should warn you, this thing is like a car wreck...you can't turn away...but you don't want to look.)

(Also, if you don't want to watch the whole thing, the "money shot," as it were, is at the four minute mark.)

Update: Sorry about the video, the problem is with GodTube, hopefully it will work again soon. Perhaps Jesus just hates me, does anyone know why? (hint: the "when christians attack" tag probably doesn't help much.)

You Find a Running Theme in This One, I'm Tired.

2007-05-10T21:47:00.000-04:00

A turtle attacking a cat. Those guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have more time on their hands to search YouTube that I do.(KSK)
The NHL Playoffs are better that the NBA playoffs. (St. Petersburg Times)
SEC Football coaches are "Staying Alive." (Fanhouse)
Vote to put an angry fat guy from Missouri, and one of Scumdog's good friends, on The Real World.(Real World Casting)
Dumb people get golf clubs, hilarity ensues!!! (With Leather)

Mickey Mantle, All-American Boy

2007-05-10T18:45:00.000-04:00

Mickey Mantle, All-American Boy.

A transcription:

Q:I consider the following my outstanding experience at Yankee Stadium:

A:I got a blow job under the right field bleachers by the Yankee bull pen.

Q:This event occurred on or about: (give as much detail as you can)

A:It was about the third or fourth inning. I had a pulled groin and couldn't fuck at the time. She was a very nice girl and asked me what to do with the cum after I came in her mouth. I said don't ask me, I'm no cock-sucker.

Signed: *Mickey Mantle
*The All-American Boy

Ethan Allen YouTube Theatre: Hockey Fights Edition

2007-05-10T12:45:00.000-04:00

Best fight ever??? (YouTube)
The KO Compilation (YouTube)
Goalies!!! (YouTube)
Craig Berube (YouTube)
Almost guys, almost. (YouTube)
Screaming, harpy hockey mom. (YouTube)
The kids are alright. (YouTube)

For more, go to The Hockey Fight Site

EAIH's Music Video of the Moment

2007-05-10T10:00:00.001-04:00

Guilty Pleasure...it all started with the Volvo.

Proof Positive that God is a Monkey

2007-05-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

Fremont is Basically A Parking Lot With a Mayor

2007-05-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

This clip from YouTube has changed my life...

Jesus of the Week

2007-05-10T08:26:00.000-04:00

If you love Jesus and you know it, clap your hands and click here!

EAIH's Music Video of the Moment

2007-05-10T08:02:00.000-04:00

Clutch-Electric Worry
From Beale Street to Oblivian

Electric Worry

Add to My Profile | More Videos

The one where Eye Black and the First Amendment Come Together

2007-05-10T00:58:00.000-04:00

Something for the ladies and the non-traditional male readers.(ladies...)

The World League...of...buying naming rights??? (Deadspin)

Apparently George Washington and Right-Wing politics go together like turkey and stuffing. (The Fire)

When does football start again? (EDSBS)

Ah, my Cubbies (The Dugout)

Welcome

2007-05-10T00:06:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Ethan Allen's Intestate Heirs...where I steal all the best stuff from the internet and bring it to you, weary traveler.

Let's see if we can get this started right!!!

Hey Guys, she's attractive, she's a world class athlete, and she just turned 18!!! (With Leather)

Man, I'd really like to get ahold of those...shirts!!! (ladies...)

I'm going to help you waste your life and save your soul. (GodTube)

A bear killing and eating a moose. I don't think I need a funny tagline there. (KSK)

Super Bowl Live Blog

2007-02-05T21:39:00.000-05:00

6:19:05 PM: It's raining on Billy Joel, and ladies and gentlemen, he' butchering the national anthem. I've returned home from a Super Bowl party because it's impossible to watch a game with a bunch of people talking, and I'm an asshole.

6:25:29 PM: Bears win the toss; I just had a flashback to the pre-game show abortion.

6:28:49 PM: Devin Hester returns the opening kickoff 92 yards for a score, how many people's prop bets have either broke them, or made them very happy…

6:35:19 PM: Chris Harris picks Peyton Manning, only because two other Bears dropped easy interceptions. Doritos does not start the commercials off very well. Dear God, Katie Couric…

6:38:57 PM: The Sex Cannon completes his first pass, hide the virgins, "good Rex" is at the game tonight.

6:39:52 PM: Uh oh, "Fuck it, I'm throwing deep" Rex just showed up.

6:41:01 PM: How the hell did "salesgenie.com" afford a fucking Super Bowl spot, that commercial looked like it belonged on Comedy Central at 3 AM.

6:44:17 PM: At first glance, it appears our quarterback match up is "Fuck it, I'm throwing deep" Rex versus "Happy Feet" Peyton

6:47:34 PM: Apparently, Da Bears did not put "covering Reggie Wayne" into the defensive game plan for the Super Bowl and a bad handle by Hunter "don't call me S" Smith saves the Bears a point.

6:52:29 PM: Huge Play! The Bears lose the ensuing kickoff and now…HOLY SHIT, HUGER PLAY! The Bears have the ball now, JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST big run by Thomas Jones…This game is just playing with my emotions.

6:55:18 PM: Touchdown! Sex Cannon to the prophet Mohammed (the Islamists are not going to like this one)

6:59:26 PM: A movie about a Black swim team, everyone knows Black people can't swim, stupid Hollywood…

7:00:37 PM: Carlos Mencia brings political incorrectness to Super Bowl commercials

7:05:09 PM: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! Bob Sanders is a very bad man…Colts ball at the 43 after a Benson fumble caused by Sanders.

7:10:12 PM: After a Colts punt, Bob Sanders and Bethea teaches Cedric Benson to rung between the tackles on the worst running defense in NFL history…What the fuck??

7:14:51 PM: David Spade looks excited to be at the Super Bowl

7:15:58 PM: End of First Quarter

7:22:48 PM: Decent drive by the Colts Vinatieri is in, and it's good. 14-9 Chicago

7:24:33 PM: Dumbass Dalmatian commercial from Bud, fuckin' AWESOME Ultraman and hair metal commercial for some GPS product I can't remember, can't afford, and don't need.

7:31:02 PM: Um what the hell was that with the dumb looking Chevy and men in their underwear…um, way to know the Football audience Chevy, no wonder the "Big 3" is losing money by the truckload.

7:35:04 PM: Touchdown Dominic Rhodes, he burrowed in on that one, Indy has their first lead at 16-14.

7:39:54 PM: Chevy pulls out another crap effort with a suicidal manufacturing robot.

7:45:05 PM: CBS starts the Colts' possession with an Urlacher dick-sucking "Simms Spotlight." Who wants to bet that the Barbaro's put together a good drive this time?

7:49:23 PM: two-minute warning

7:50:24 PM: Ugly fumble by Fletcher, Bears ball.

7:51:15 PM: Ugly fumble by Sex Cannon, Colts ball.

7:53:19 PM: Colts run a, um I don't know, option? This game is fucking U-G-L-Y, it ain't got no alibi. And, according to Frito Lay, there are black people involved in today's game.

7:57:00 PM: Vinatieri missed the kick, 16-14 Colts at the half, and the winner if the first half…the turnover!!!

8:30:26 PM: Prince brought the "A" for the half-time show, and the Colts get the ball first in the second half.

8:38:44 PM: Waiting for a "too many men on the field" review, and Nantz finally make a good point, Indy has had the ball for half of the 3rd quarter, and he made it five minutes after my roommate recognized it, but it was a good point. Field goal Colts, 19-14.

8:43:16 PM: Sex Cannon comes on for the first time in over an hour (not counting the fumbled snap), this could be bad.

8:47:32 PM: Two okay plays to give Bears' fans hope, then Sex Cannon trips running from Booger, followed by a "Keystone Kops) fumble…punt

8:49:03 PM: Careerbuilder.com just checked in with the best commercial of the day, office workers fighting for a promotion, while wearing office supplies as armor. Well played Careerbuilder.com, well played…

8:51:04 PM: Rhodes busts off a big run, this could be the finishing blow drive here…fifteen yard facemask tacked onto an 8 yard run.

8:54:30 PM: Chicago dodges another red zone bullet, and then runs into the kicker; they're still alive, though. 22-14.

8:56:56 PM: Robert Goulet is destroying an office for Emerald Nuts, and a pretty White girl thinks Charles Barkley is Dwayne Wade's dad.

8:59:54 PM: Kevin Federline, Oh my fucking god…

9:04:44 PM: A nice Jewish boy kicks a field goal for the Bears, and we're looking at 22-17. Why is this game so close?

9:11:24 PM: End of the Third, 22-17…oh dear go Katie Couric…It's still a one possession game folks.

9:24:38 PM: After the Sex Cannon gets saved by the receiver on a throw behind him, he then returns to his old form, and *BAM* pick-6…29-17 and Nantz is telling us that no team has ever come back from more than ten down in the fourth…Well It'll be nice for Happy Feet to get some recognition for his efforts, he never gets any recognitions.

9:28:45 PM: Jay-Z and Don Shula…aw fuck it, I can't do that piece of crap justice in a live blog.

9:32:41 PM: Sex Cannon, after some successful underneath mid-range crossing patterns, says "Fuck it, I'm going deep!!" Interception Bob Sanders…Before the play I was making the jokes, and then he did it, it was destiny. Sextasy under threw the ball poorly.

9:44:41 PM: This game is underwhelming

9:47:20 PM: So, now comes the time to think about the MVP award. There are no impressive statistics in this game, so I think it's going to be Peyton Manning by default. The real MVP is the Colts' offensive line. Happy Feet has had plenty of time, and the running game has been more than effective (as I write this, the Colts are breaking off rushing yards in ten-yard chunks). If there was a playoff MVP, Bob Sanders all the way, the man is a machine.

9:58:30 PM: Gatorade shower, and ball game. Colts 29 Bears 17, in a wildly unentertaining Super Bowl XLI, I'm going to go get drunk.